I hide and sneak food. I’m not proud of it. It’s a trait I don’t like in myself. But it’s been a part of my food addiction all my life. I knew my mother would disapprove of the amount of candy I ate and how frequently so I hid it and the wrappers. (I later discovered that my mother had Mr. Goodbars hidden all over the house.) I don’t want people to know how much I can and do eat. Of course I’m not fooling anybody. You can see the results on my body, the 70 pounds I’ve regained over the last two years isn’t from salad.
This lifelong fear of others’ knowing what I’m up to makes it really difficult for me to seek support for recovery, to call someone from the grocery store as I’m putting two big packages of Snickers ice cream bars in my cart and ask them to talk me down from the fat ledge of sugar suicide. And I can go to a meeting of OA or FA or Weight Watchers and listen and share my story and stop on the way home for cupcakes.
I’m realizing that most of the support I need is internal. When I have dessert or binge on candy or chips, I’m not acting in my own best interest. When I overeat at a meal, I’m not advocating for my best self, for my best health. And I’m not fooling anybody, not even myself.
Can I get willing to stop being divided against myself? Can you?